VERSUS!
by Kazuya Arsashi008
Summary: Relive the best or worst Bleach fights and find out who really won! Warning: Crack fic. Author is not liable for any serious mental damage or busted guts that this fic may cause. You have been warned. :D
1. Prince Prissy vs MonkeyMan

YES!!! I'm BACK, baby!!! (sorry, just had to let that out…hehe..)

Disclaimer: Many people believe in love at first sight…and I don't really care right now 'cause that has NOTHING to do with me or with this story…

What has SOMETHING to do with me is my issue about not owning Bleach. Trust me, it's something you wouldn't rather know.

Bottom line- me own Bleach-not.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't such a clear picture, but you get the idea.

A wise book once told me that inspiration is like a fish. Once you catch it, you should NEVER let go. But what if the fish caught you?? What then???

Anyway, this idea has caught me (terrifyingly) off-guard. All I can say is…

Let's do this thing!!

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**VERSUS!!! Episode one:**

**Kuchiki Byakuya vs. Abarai Renji**

**ready…….???**

**FIGHT!!!!!**

**ROUND ONE:** HAIRSTYLE

**RENJI**----Renji is gifted with hair that is totally out of this world! Well… our normal world. that is… But even in the multicolored hairstyle world (whoah, that's a mouthful) of Bleach, his hair stands out like…a ripe tomato!!!! (no offense) This fierce, uhm, warrior adds even more..uh…'fierceness' to his look by styling his burning tresses in a spiky ponytail!!! ..though HOW he styles (or fits) his loooooooong red hair into a seemingly-cut short yet spiky ponytail is still a mystery…

**BYAKUYA**----Okay, so maybe black isn't THAT weird of a hair-color…but-watch out for this hair!!! It seems (on more than one occasion) _alive_, somewhat. I mean, normal hair doesn't sway in the wind like that!! Could it be some kind of strange kidou magic?? Is this some kind of (hair care) secret passed down from generation to generation in the noble Kuchiki clan?? And as if 'living hair' wasn't enough, this noble has another trick up his sleeve-or should I say on top of his head? Yes-it's that ever famous kenseikan (or hair noodles, to those who are quite uninformed)!!! HOW one can put these on is a mystery that baffles even the greatest of hairstylists of today.

**WINNER::: **round one goes to **Byakuya** for his own enigma of the hairstyling world-his hair!!

**ROUND TWO: **STYLE

**RENJI**----In the earlier parts of the series, we see Renji sporting a cool pair of shades!! And at night too!!! (goodness knows how dangerous that is…and uh…how much of a…'daredevil' Renji is for taking such a risk:D) After he loses it from a fight with Ichigo, our stylistic lieutenant decides to shift fashion preferences and turns on to faithful (and brightly colored) bandanas!!!! It seems that when the going gets rough, the rough get stylin'!!!

**BYAKUYA----**As a symbol for nobility, Byakuya sports a pale whitish-mint green-ish scarf that he (you guessed it, my smart audience) winds around his neck. No, he's not choking. Yes, he never takes it off (unless it gets 'too bloody' to go on and Byakuya must sacrifice it for the sake of not wearing anything messy….same principle with you and your bib when you were still a baby…you know, _before_ you even eat anything). Sooo…you might be guessing if this scarf has any 'magical attributes', which is why he lets it hang around him (hehe, pun intended) a lot.

Well, guess what, you're wrong.

**WINNER:::: **round two goes to **Renji**!!! Ah, yes…sweet revenge…

…**aaaaaand our last round…**

**ROUND THREE: **PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES

**RENJI**----Okay, it's soooo darn obvious… Renji has a thing for tattoos. You can find it everywhere on his (…hot…) body. Heck, even his eyebrows are tattoos!!! I figured that he must be one HECK of a Miami Ink client…and I don't even want to know his tattoo bill history. But it suuuure was worth it, seeing as how those tattoos wind around his body…like a huge ornate snake…hugging his biceps…and his triceps…and his well-toned abs… (droooool) Okay, okay, that's enough.

**BYAKUYA**----Question: Has ANYONE here seen Byakuya without at least half of his clothes?? Most probable answer: uh…NO! This bastard is too selfish to even spare us a glance…but I can really tell that the anticipation is worth it. I could just feeeeel the hotness seeping through his clothes…His creamy, almost ivory-like skin over the expanse of his abs… AGH!!! I WANNA SEE!!!! I WANNA SEE NOW!!!! (---dead faint)

**WINNER:::: **the third round goes to **Byakuya** for keeping such a damn hot secret from the rest of the world.

…**and after three rounds, we finally have an over-all winner!!!!!!**

**With the score 2-1, this fight goes to KUCHIKI BYAKUYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

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**CHIBI SHINIGAMI CUP……..GOLDEN!!!!!!!!! **

Renji: Darn it!! Not again!!!

Byakuya: …once a monkey, always a monkey.

Renji: AGH!!! …at least I won at the style category… (evil chibi smirk)

Byakuya: TT , TT …and what is THAT supposed to mean, lieutenant Abarai?

Renji: (chibi taunt mode) It means I have more style than yoooouu-

Byakuya: Chire, senbonzakura.

Renji: O.O whoah. Seriously, déjà vu. (runs for it)

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XD THAT WAS FUN!!!!

Well, for me at least… hehe..

I don't really know if there'll be more… If I get some requests and reviews…maybe… XD

sooooo……….

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! …and you can also send in some requests!!!!! I'll be glad to do them!!!!!!

Ja ne!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Illtempered XMas Tree vs Berrytan

Disclaimer: A disturbingly cute pet name-yes. Bleach-no.

YAY!!! Some people _actually_ reviewed!!! I guess I'm not that bad at this after all…hehe..

Thankies to…

**seasnake.756**- 'Zaraki vs. Ichigo'? You got it!!! (See!! I'm a caring author…when I want to be…:P)

**crimsonhyourinmaru**- aaww…that was a lovely mini fic/review…

Renji: (smirk) ..lovely..

Byakuya: (smacking the back of his head) Just because you rarely use flowery words does not mean they don't exist, Abarai.

Renji: …'Flower'-y words…? (smirk widens) Then YOU must be the master of that because your sword-

Byakuya: TT , TT (holds out his sword)

Renji: (calls out Zabimaru) Hah! You won't get me again!!

Byakuya: (points the blade downward) …Ban..kai.

Renji: O.O (uh-oh) Didn't see THAT one coming…

**xHeiYahXIII**- thanks for the ideas you gave me in the chat room!!! …now stop flooding me with them… :P

Again, thanks for the reviews!!!! It is always my pleasure to make everyone happy, and to give special recognition to anyone who makes me happy!! (---subliminal message for all to review--- :P)

Here's the 2nd chappie!!!!!!!!!

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**VERSUS!!! Episode Two:**

**Zaraki Kenpachi vs. Kurosaki Ichigo**

**ready……..???**

**FIGHT!!!!!**

**ROUND ONE: **SIDEKICK/S

**ZARAKI**----What is pink, loves sweets, and can kick your butt? NO, it CERTAINLY is NOT Zaraki. 'It's actually his sidekick, Kusajishi Yachiru. Many dubbed them to be the perfect team-mainly because Zaraki here provides the muscles and the …uhm… terror 'ambience', while Yachiru provides the cuteness and the distraction. In terms of usefulness, Yachiru…provides less than is to be expected. She rides around on Zaraki's back (--mode of transportation for most who are vertically challenged—hehe…I wonder if Hitsugaya-taichou wouldn't mind a ride…) and usually gives out..uh… 'unhelpful' tips concerning directions. Because of her less-than-capable sense of direction (which she shares with her captain) this duo would always, _always_ manage to get lost…which is bad news for Zaraki, who is in serious need of some action. Hey, Yachiru is pretty powerful for a little fella…but she gets too distracted (or _causes_ distraction) often.

..At least she's a cute…uhh… 'thing' to hang around with!!...or hang around you..(-sweatdrop-)

**ICHIGO**----Okay, this has GOT to be unfair. Ichigo does not only have one sidekick, but four!!! Fine, so maybe they're what you call '_friends'_ but I seriously think they're kinda like sidekicks in their own right. There's Rukia, the kick-ass shinigami (who would NOT want to be called a 'sidekick' but would fight alongside Ichigo anyway), Inoue, the pretty..uhh...healing/shield lady (..though her reason for joining the group is somehow in the romantic aspect…--ulp! spoiler..??), Chad, the strong silent guy, and Ishida (same applications with Rukia). They're kinda like the Fantastic Four, only they're…like…_5_ people. They watch out for each other and help when a part of the group is in trouble.

Aaawww….that was touching… (did I forget something…?...or maybe some_one_…?)

Oh yes! …and then there's Kon (no explanation necessary). (--hehehe--)

**WINNER:::: **round one goes to **Ichigo** for his unfair advantages!!! –I mean- friends!!!!

**ROUND TWO: **HAIRSTYLE

**ZARAKI**----One of Zaraki's most noticeable attributes (aside from his freakishly huuuuge form) is his hair. He gives a whole new meaning to 'spiky hairstyle'. I mean, seriously, you see spikes, like, sprouting from his head, dude!!!! SPIKES!!!! 11 spikes (trust me, I counted…I think…) crown his head (wow. that's a pun…and I didn't even intend it!!), each spike topped with a bell. The history (and use) of these bells have been explained in the series. For those who have skipped the story, those bells are supposed to warn his enemy of his attack/approach. He does this to give his opponent a 'fair advantage' in battle, and to make the battle more exciting!!! (insert happy Zaraki battle cry here). And, unlike Kuchiki-taichou's kenseikan mystery, we actually _know_ how Zaraki puts those things up on his hair. Thanks to a Bleach Shinigami Cup, we found out that the 11th squad captain _painstakingly_ puts them on the tips of his hair spikes one by one.

…kinda like topping a Christmas tree…

… or 11 Christmas trees…

…with a teeny-tiny bell…

**ICHIGO**----The most prominent of Ichigo's characteristics (especially in normal human form and without that freakin' big sword on his back…) is his hair. He has actually been one of the theory-explanations posted by most people who have watched Bleach and had asked why the hell is the show named Bleach. Some said it was because the main character's hair looked bleached. Har, har---exactly what Ichigo would say if he actually heard that idea---.

In the multicolored hairstyle world of Bleach, I guess, orange hair is pretty much like every other kind of hair.

Though, the paradox here, is that 'Ichigo' translates to 'strawberry'. Strawberry is…uh…red.

So WHY THE HELL is his hair ORANGE??????

(---continues to drive self crazy by thinking such senseless thoughts…---)

**WINNER:::: **the second round goes to **Zaraki**, coz, really, you can't go wrong with THAT kind of hair… And plus points for the festive holiday cheer (or doom) it brings:P

**ROUND THREE: **SANITY

**ZARAKI**----Okay, here's the deal—the words 'Zaraki' and 'sanity' do NOT mix together and create perfect harmony!!!! If there is one thing you should know and remember about Zaraki Kenpachi is that he is NEVER SANE. Period.

(---wow, that was a short explanation---)

**ICHIGO**----Yes, I am happy to announce that Kurosaki Ichigo is somewhat sane…except when he goes all hollow-ish, and then Hichigo appears, and then they fight over Ichigo's head/mental stage, etc…. BUT-bottom line is- Ichigo is, passably, a sane person. He even takes it a step further and vows to protect his friends and his family. …Doesn't get any saner than that.

**WINNER:::: **round three goes to **Ichigo** for his (semi) sanity!!! I mean, come on, if a guy wasn't sane, what would be the point of letting him win a trophy, or even this contest?? (---too scared and concerned as to WHAT Zaraki would want if he won…---)

…**and after three..uhm…'tedious' rounds, we finally have an over-all winner!!! (this announcement is starting to sound like a boxing match…oh well…:P)**

**With the score 2-1 (whew!), this fight (or rematch…when you think about it…) goes to KUROSAKI ICHIGO!!!!!!!!**

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**CHIBI SHINIGAMI CUP………..GOLDEN!!!!!!!**

Ichigo: heh… Guess I won…again!!

Zaraki: I don't really care winning such a wimpy competition…

(Me: W-wimpy??!!!)

Ichigo: ….hey…you…_lost_ the sanity round????

Zaraki: (taking out his zanpakutou) So, Ichigo…whaddya say we have ourselves another match???

Ichigo: (twitch) Not in THIS lifetime!!!! (runs away)

Zaraki: (…) Fine. I'll be waitin' here for when you come over then.

Ichigo: (…………………………wondering when his 'second lifetime' would come……and how to avoid it)

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Yay! Another chapter accomplished!!!!!

All good people read, GREAT PEOPLE REVIEW (and give requests…fufufufu…).

XD soooooooooo………….Please review!!!!


	3. Author's NoteYes,I'm Alive

Hey y'all! I just want to tell you guys that this fic is on TEMPORARY HOLD, aka Hiatus aka fic-nap time. I actually had five chapters done already but something unfortunate happened to our computer and all of my files were deleted. I was devastated for a few weeks… T,T...

So anyway, this fic will not be continued for a few more weeks. Thanks for your reviews and support!


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